Robert’s your father’s brother…
According to my thirteen-year-old daughter, an accidental butt-dial to your friend constitutes a booty call. According to my thirteen-year-old daughter’s father, all teenage boys, be they math debater or mere masticator, should keep their dirty little hands where I can see them. Shirley, I jest. But if you know what’s good for you… Don’t call [...]
Levi Strauss’ Tears…
My friend Paul has an idea that he’s looking to take to market. Pants made from 100% recycled scrotums. They’re skinny jeans in the winter. Bellbottoms in the summer. This is an idea that could catch on. Speaking of catching on, button fly might be a better option than zips. Know what I mean? Now [...]
Hey you there with the glasses… I want you at the front…
You’re not alone. Give me your hands. Social media helps us to paint a picture of our lives as bliss. Take me for example. I’m hip. I’m cool. I’m forty-five. …speed jive don’t want to stay alive when you’re forty-five… I’m also neurotic. Relationship… uh… cautious… to the point of paralyzation. Sometimes I berate myself [...]
In today’s modern family, you can be whomever you want to be…
Let’s see… Zoe’s your sister… And Zoe’s my daughter… And you guys have the same mum… But Eric’s your daddy… And I’m not your daddy… I’m Dadoo… So that must make me… your… brother…! But who the hell’s “Cappy”?
You don’t even wanna know what happened when I spoke in class…
When I bit the recess teacher’s breast, I got sent home. She got a tetanus shot. Not one bloody person wrote a song about it. Fucking Jeremy.
Ex-communication…
Having a bad ex-girlfriend day. One of the things that bothers me most in the world, is when an ex-girlfriend doesn’t like me. I mean… if it’s too soon after the break-up… I get that. But after some time’s passed. Why won’t she like me? And why does it bother me so much? I liked [...]
“Look! He just bolted like a Sasquatch!”…
Week two on the island… My study of the native populace continues to yield fascinating results. Tribal custom demands me to drink tequila against my will. At the end of the night, in a “right of passage” ritual, I’m left holding the bill. This signals my acceptance into the pack. I’m honoured. A juvenile male [...]
OshaWha…?
Week one on the island. The natives are strange, but friendly. Several are named Cheryl. The males often refer to themselves as Jay. I find their customs baffling. But still, I do my best to fit in. I’d like to lose a few pounds around the middle. I’ve been getting too squishy. But I also [...]
What am I gonna do now…?
On the Clash’s seminal London Calling double LP, there’s a great song called Clampdown. It opens with the line “What are we gonna do now?” That’s my question too. I’ve spent the last couple of years exploring the past. Reforming my old band. Writing a book about my old band. Relocating to my old hometown [...]
Rabies from the dogs of love…
Pre-Clash Joe Strummer bringin’ it with the 101′ers. Everyone should have at least one moment like this at some point in their lives. I’m having one right now. Help me doctor…
